It's Impossible For Everybody To want To Get Married, By Joy Isi Bewaji - THE DAILY CRUCIBLE



Saturday, September 28, 2019

It's Impossible For Everybody To want To Get Married, By Joy Isi Bewaji

So I had this friend who used to serenade me with the piano. He would call by, say, 11pm and play me a song. It was such sweet gesture.
We never got around to dating or anything. He asked me out, but I didn't get around to it. He had to relocate, and I got busy, and yada yada.

So he called tonight, and it was such a joy to hear his voice. He was pissed I didn't have his number anymore, I was just happy he was still “alive”. I had moved on so swiftly that I had to pause to remember the brief moments we had – going on dates and being serenaded by midnight. It was cool stuff.

And it made me think about marriage just for a split second. Not that I want to marry him, but the thought happened. And I realise how much sacrifice marriage deserves and how ridiculous it is that we think everybody should be willing to give that much sacrifice... to give of themselves so much.

It is impossible for everybody to want to get married. Impossible.

I’ll give a few personal instances:

Once a week, probably on Friday nights, I think of sharing a bed with someone. Six days in a week, I do not want to share my bed with anyone.

One day in a month I want to watch TV with someone. 29 days in a month, I don’t.

Twice in a week I think of sex. 5 days in a week, I don’t.

7 days in a week I want my freelance cook to send me my meals. Zero times in a week I wish to cook for someone.

One day in a week I want to let my hair down and chat endlessly with nothing planned. 6 days in a week I want to be left alone to read a book, finish a script or update WahalaNow.

One day in a week I could care what a partner says about anything – from my hair, to my weight loss or weight gain, to my eyes, to my lovely breasts, shiny black skin. But 6 days in a week, I just don’t care about other people's opinions.

One day in a month I want to share my space with another adult. 29 days in a month I don’t want to see another adult around me.

One day in a year I can’t zip my dress. 364 days in a year, I can get my dress zipped by myself.

I like to have my own thing – my own money, my own car, my own apartment. My own mind. 
I am opinionated, I don’t understand submission, I don’t think Mother-in-law’s should be treated any differently from the next person. The important thing is respect. So if I ask: “do you want some food, ma’am?” And she says “No”, then that’s it. I won’t ask again until she comes the next time. And that, as I hear, is not how to treat a Mother-in-law. You need to ask every 10 minutes if you can get something for her. Anything! Fry your hair and present it to her, just make sure you are busy trying to please until she leaves.

I am terribly self aware of my inner joy and peace. I know what makes me happy, and I don’t compromise on these things. Yet marriage is all about compromise. 

I don’t want to add weight because of marriage, I don’t want to lose weight because of marriage. I don’t want to miss a conference in Sweden because I have to be in a marriage, you know? Things like that.

I will constantly be resentful if I realise I made those personal compromise because of a man. I will sincerely despise stalling my gratification or achievement because of a man.

I can deal with losing anything on my own terms. I can live with that. But when I am confronted with the truth that I lost it for a man, I would feel typical and I would hate it.

5 days in a month I think of having a cool marriage. But 25 days in a month I am grateful to be single. But I do think of having a great relationship, at least, 20 days in a month. So it’s not that bad.  LOL!

You have to think about marriage a lot more than that to be ready for it. I think.

I place everything above a relationship. I must finish an episode of a TV series before I pick a call, unless I suffer writers block, then I am available to talk.

Bottom line is: it is impossible that I am the only one who feels this way. And if there are others like me (it doesn’t have to be in Nigeria), then it is impossible for everyone to want marriage. 

I want it, but I don't want it that bad. Nothing close to what I read people do to get it.

I think many people want to be single (even the Tiwa Savages' of this world spewing 1800 crap from the anus), but they just don’t know what to do with being single for a long time. Society programs us to see marriage as the only true human achievement. Even if you don’t want it, you have to desire it… else, you are left with a big hole to fill on what to do with the rest of your life.

- Joy Isi Bewaji is a creative writer and popular with her rants

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